


when it comes to being lucky he's cursed

by ElasticElla



Category: Buzzfeed Unsolved (Web Series)
Genre: Dead Dove: Do Not Eat, Fluff and Smut, Gore, M/M, Oral Sex, Vore
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-09-12
Updated: 2018-09-12
Packaged: 2019-07-11 12:42:51
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,178
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15972542
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ElasticElla/pseuds/ElasticElla
Summary: “It's like it wants to come off in my mouth-""Oh yeah it does baby."





	when it comes to being lucky he's cursed

It happens so fast that Ryan doesn’t put two and two and three together at first. He’s still on his knees, Shane’s cock halfway down his throat, but he can finally breathe easy and there’s blood spraying all over his face. 

And then with a horrifying thought it all clicks, and Ryan scrambles backwards coughing. Mangled flesh is ejected, vomit nearly following, and Shane just sits. Which can’t be comfortable, the fuck- 

“Fuck, fuck, I’m so- I can’t believe- are you okay? Of course not, let’s hospital, we should do that. Maybe they can uh-” Ryan stops himself, glancing at what he choked up. 

“It’s… okay,” Shane says, rubbing a hand over his groin. 

“Dude I- this is the worst possible outcome- how- how are you so calm? Shit, you went into shock didn’t you? Okay hospital now and-”

“Ryan.” 

“God, I knew I should have researched blowjobs before trying. I figured it’d be like getting them but on the other side, but your dick- fuck, your _dick_ , shit Shane-”

“Ryan,” Shane repeats, sterner this time.

“You’re right, hospital. Let’s go.” 

Shane snorts, moving his hand to show him. Where his dick was is now Ken doll smooth, balls awkwardly dangling below. 

“…uh.” Ryan slowly backs away, backwards crabbing it to the door. “You’re not Shane. You- you’re something else, aren’t you?” 

A doppelganger comes to mind first, but that doesn’t explain the healing. Maybe a shapeshifter or an alien or, or-. _Demon_ , whispers in the back of his head and Ryan suddenly regrets going to Shane’s. In his own bedroom there’s easily accessible holy water, could have had some defense-

Shane rolls his eyes, “Look I’m surprised too, but I’ll admit this is pretty compelling evidence for your side.” 

“Huh?” 

“Well it’s not like there’s a normal explanation for near-instant healing. Too bad we can’t slap this on youtube, heh. Or why you were able to bite my dick off so easily.” 

Ryan flinches, but Shane keeps talking. “I’ve definitely wanked harder than that- and it didn’t hurt- it really should have hurt. Maybe I don’t feel pain at all?” Shane pinches himself, wincing. “Weird, I do. Ryan c’mere.”

Ryan does, feeling foolish for his first assumption being not-Shane. If that was the case he would have been like smited or whatever when he felt teeth. 

“Hit me.” 

Ryan punches his shoulder, Shane making an exaggerated groan. “Easy muscles! Yeah okay, that nixes that.” 

He swallows, cringing at the coppery taste in his mouth. “Alright if we’re not hospitaling- which I still think we should- I need to brush my teeth.” 

Shane rolls his eyes, “Yeah, let’s skip on the get Shane stabbed with lots of needles and probably held indefinitely for observation visit.” 

Ryan’s eyes widen, the men in black coming to mind, “Uh yeah, okay.” 

Shane stands, lending a hand to pull him up too, “Yeah, and shower.” 

He grins too wide, and Ryan’s already regretting the question he hasn’t voiced, “What?” 

“So you know roman showers and golden showers-”

“Goddammit Shane-”

“What’s a blood shower? Vamp shower? Ruby shower? The Shining but sexy? Cherry wash? Rose downpour?” 

“Get out.”

Shane grins even wider somehow, “My place Ry.” 

“Whatever, I’m shower- _bathing_.” Ryan walks to the bathroom, saying over his shoulder, “Feel free not to join me.” 

“You wound me!” Shane calls, cackling. “It might’ve done some magic healing, but those teeth cut deep.” 

Ryan turns the water on, letting it come up to heat as he brushes his teeth. There’s less blood to rinse out than there should be, and he tries not to think about what that means. 

“Holy smokes!” Shane exclaims, rushing in. “Look who came back!”

Ryan spits, looking through the mirror, and his jaw promptly drops. He spins around, and sure enough, it’s there. Looking exactly as it did before the disaster- erect for god knows what reason- is Shane’s dick. 

“What the _fuck_.” 

Ryan’s extremely relieved of course, he really didn’t want to be responsible for permanently castrating his boyfriend. But on the other hand: none of this makes any fucking sense. None of his theories explain whatever this is and he knows a google search will be scarring. 

“I know! A shared hallucination between the two of us, how special-”

“Oh fuck you Madej, don’t you even try it. There’s still blood on you for fuck’s sake.” 

Shane laughs, “Yeah. Not to give whatever wild theory you’ve come up with more credibility but uh, it never really felt gone? Not in a phantom limb way, or phantom dick aha-” 

“I really hope a ghost fucks you,” Ryan grumbles. 

“Should we be making those couple lists?” 

“What?” 

“Y’know, surprise you ran into Poe Dameron somehow, you can bang him without it being cheating?” 

Ryan rolls his eyes, “Sure. If you ever run into your _fictional_ character crush, that’s fine.” 

“Well I’m at least five percent Deadpool now,” Shane says, pointing downwards. 

“Mhmm.” 

“And Ryan,” Shane starts earnestly, holding his hands and looking deep into his eyes. 

“Uh yeah?” 

“As long as it’s on camera, you can have sex with all the ghosts you want.”

“My god,” Ryan groans. “I thought you were being serious.” 

Shane grins, “I am. Can’t have you slutting it up with all my fellow supernatural creatures-”

Ryan snorts, “Yeah okay, let’s get that blood off.” 

“And something else?” Shane asks. 

“…if you wanna test it out so soon, sure.” 

“We are test friends for life Ryan.”

Ryan laughs, more at Shane’s hopeful expression than terrible joke, “True, c’mon.” 

And miracle of miracles, nothing falls off in the shower. (Ryan also might insist on Shane fucking his thighs, but that’s totally because it’s easier to do in the shower. Yup. No other reason.)

They shower until the water’s gone lukewarm, and room’s been completely steamed up. Long enough, that earlier just doesn’t feel real, his brain second-guessing everything. There’s a vivid- _too_ vivid- memory, but it feels almost lucid dreamlike now. Nothing like how his encounters with the weird usually go. 

Shane wraps an arm around Ryan’s waist as they go back to his bedroom, and god Ryan needs to do something really nice for him. A blowjob comes to mind first and he cringes. Maybe he’ll dress up as Indy again? Shane seemed to like that a bunch, or maybe Lara or-

“Huh,” Shane says, interrupting his musings. “Guess you should have swallowed.” 

Ryan looks over and immediately wishes he hadn’t- a lump of flesh on the floor that was the original dick. 

His stomach turns, and he looks away, “I’m gonna grab a trash bag.” 

Shane pouts, _pouts_. “I wanna keep it.” 

“What.” 

“In a jar like the Futurama heads, I could have rows of them-”

Ryan shakes his head quickly, “Nope. This is not gonna be like your dead butterfly collection.” 

Shane smiles, “Because there will be more than one?” 

“None! That’s- you can’t- you can’t keep it. That’s way too much. You’ve got to see that.” 

“Yeah but I wanted to see that look,” Shane says, chuckling and bopping his nose. 

Ryan crinkles his nose, going back to the bathroom to grab a grocery store bag. On second thought he grabs two- he does not need to deal with the trauma of it breaking out and splattering somewhere. 

“I should donate dicks, like as an organ donor. There’s gotta be demand there right?” Shane muses. 

“If only that wasn’t suspect as hell,” Ryan says. “Also are you sure your cock can grow back infinite times?” 

“…yeah, we can put a pin in that idea.” 

.

The ‘pin’ lasts about a week. Which is far too short in Ryan’s opinion and he’s more than happy to live on in blissful ignorance in this case. And really, their whole shtick is being undecided, it’d be terrible to mess with that dynamic. 

(Like most of Ryan’s arguments, Shane doesn’t buy any of it.) 

“So I need you for further testing,” Shane says casually one night, Saw’s credits rolling by. 

“Further testing?” Ryan echoes, resituating himself on the couch to face him. 

“I carved a divot here,” Shane says, casually pulling his cock out of his pajamas. There’s a small bit of flesh missing from the underside of his head, small enough that Ryan wouldn’t have noticed it unless touching it. 

Ryan bites his knuckle, “Did you- were you trying to circumcise yourself?” 

Shane shrugs, “I figured if it didn’t grow back, no big.” 

“You fuckin’ lunatic.” 

“Yeah, the pain was too much to go through with it.” 

“No shit.” 

“I was hoping you might kiss it better.” 

Ryan rolls his eyes, “Cuz that went so well last time.” 

Shane nods, waiting. 

“…you _want_ your dick to fall off again?” 

“I wanna see if it will, and then if it grows back if the divot will be there.” 

“This is the worst idea I’ve ever heard.” 

“Look, I’ll stop you if it starts to hurt-” 

“And I’ve heard the rejected Try Guy ideas-”

“-as long as it- sort of decides to break off I guess, it should grow back-” 

“-you know how _bad_ an idea has to be for those four to veto it?” 

“-like a snake skin! Only magical. And like the whole snake.”

Ryan sighs, “You’re not changing your mind?” 

Shane grins, “Baby I’d never turn down sexual favors from you.” 

Ryan rolls his eyes, his ears burning up. They’ve only recently started having sex and it didn’t take long to discover Ryan’s libido and recovery times are much faster than Shane’s. And Shane’s more than happy to ‘lay back and think of how hot you look banging me’. 

Admittedly, Ryan wants to try sucking Shane off again. Orally speaking, his cock was overwhelming the first time, and then disastrous. And the competitive part of him gets a little annoyed every time Shane sucks his brains out through his dick. 

“Yeah okay, stop me if it doesn’t, uh work.” 

Ryan starts off slow, licking and suckling each side. He pushes off actually putting Shane’s dick in his mouth until the memory of last time isn’t at the front of his mind. When he finally does, just the head tucked safely in his cheek, Shane sighs with such satisfaction that it nearly ruins Ryan’s resolve. 

Shane’s hand cups the back of his neck, and fuck him Shane _knows_ what that does to him. Shane murmuring, “Please baby.” 

Ryan slowly sucks his cock in, gets a little over half when it hits his throat. He stops there, bobbing his head up and down. Shane’s dick feels stable, safe, like it’s gonna be a blowjob with a happy ending. 

“Mmm that’s so good Ry,” he moans, and Ryan is pleased, goes a little faster. 

He’s a little less pleased when it feels like a half hour has gone by with zero dick-related change. His jaw aches, his mouth feels dryer, and Shane’s been gently trying to get them to do anything else. He’s still hard, but he’s way too coherent and this is obviously the worst blowjob ever. If he knew it was gonna be like this before he would have stopped far earlier and ridden Shane until he screamed, but now. Oh, Ryan’s going to make it fucking work. 

This blowjob is going to have the happiest ending dammit. 

Ryan moves his hands to Shane’s thighs to brace himself better, and inhales until his nose bumps up against Shane’s pubic bone. And then predictably he chokes, taking his mouth away- but Shane’s dick is still attached, and he’s moaning again, and Ryan can do this. 

More steadily he sucks down Shane’s cock, breathing hard through his nose, and Shane’s hand helping more than he probably intends. 

“God Ryan,” Shane moans, his other hand coming up to brush against his throat, thumb outlining his cock. “’m gonna-” 

Ryan takes him as deep as he can, a sudden _need_ to have Shane in him as much as possible. Shane comes, a hot and heavy burst down his throat, soft flesh withdrawing slowly. 

He’s a little relieved to see Shane’s dick still attached as it exits, and then he notices his cock head is missing. It pops back into existence as Ryan watches, divot gone, and a dirty wink as it dribbles out the last bit of come. 

“…you have a magical penis,” Ryan breathes, voice thick. 

Shane chortles, kissing him swiftly. “That was indescribable baby, my turn.” 

“No, I mean your dick is literally magic. And not in a good way.” 

Shane pouts dramatically, “How d’you know it’s my dick? Maybe it’s your throat. It does feel-”

“Don’t you dare-”

“-out of this world,” Shane finishes.

Ryan sighs and rubs his stomach, warm and content like he just finished a meal. …his stomach should turn when he remembers the specifics of said meal, but it doesn’t this time. 

“That better not do anything freaky,” he mutters. 

“Hey! Guess what,” Shane says, kissing his jaw. 

“Hmm?” 

“No blood this time!” 

“Ohmygod-”

“The swallow guarantee,” Shane adds with a laugh. 

“Shut up and kiss me,” Ryan says, and Shane happily does.

**Author's Note:**

> title is from sheryl crow's the first cut is the deepest because i have zero impulse control  
> for kay, who really helped this monster crack out of its shell with three little words _magical regenerating penis_   
>  (...the original starfish motif didn't follow through here, so if anyone wants to take a stab at that ^.^)
> 
> for more of me starting ten wips and inevitably finishing the most cursed one first, my [tumblr](http://lesbiancleophas.tumblr.com/)


End file.
